The Wear and Return

 Ah, the wear and return. A wonderful, and my personal favorite, old poor tradition. For example, don't you hate it when someone invites you to a wedding or social event where evening wear is required? Most people, at least us old poor, don't go to formal events on a regular basis so the only evening wear in the closet is most likely pretty outdated. Junior prom dress from high school comes to mind. Rather than face the humiliation of looking outdated (I don't think puffy sleeves and matching satin shoes have come back just yet) most people will need to go and buy a new outfit.


This is an annoyance for us old and new poor because once we buy the new outfit (which we can't afford to begin with) we will probably only get to wear it once. It will then be retired to the back of the closet with the puffy sleeve sea foam green dress never to be seen again, at least until you get another invite requiring formal attire. At which point that "new" outfit probably has gone out of style as well...and the vicious cycle continues.


The holidays, is another example of when the wear and return often comes into play. During the holidays there are tons of parties with lots of food and lots of booze. Most people tend to gain a few pounds because of this, especially the old poor. Why do the old poor almost always gain weight? Christmas is a time for giving, and unfortunately most people give their money away to retail stores. Presents for the kids, your aunt, parents, those annoying in-laws all quickly deplete the bank account. Ergo there isn't much money for anything else. So when invited to Christmas parties the old poor stock up on all the food they can eat, like a bear storing for winter.


Where does the wear and return come into play, you may ask. Well, while you have been eating like a bear all that food got stored in your ass, hips, and thighs. Suddenly your clothes do not fit. Once you've accepted that reality and can't take the waist of your pants cutting into your gut any longer, go out and buy some better fitting clothes. Come January 1st, make that ridiculous resolution that you’re going to lose the weight and start going to the gym. Once you do lose those pesky five or ten extra pounds, return those fat pants back to the store (of course this example only works if you actually lose the weight. How you lose it is your problem. I'm just a cheap bastard, not a personal trainer).


Now let's review the basic concept of the wear and return. It can be summed up in three phases:

Phase 1: Purchase clothing/accessories or other wearable items. Do not worry about the price, as it is never a concern with the wear and return.


Phase 2: Wear newly purchased clothing


Phase 3: Return purchased clothing back to store


There you have the wear and return. Now, when attempting a wear and return there are several factors that must be considered. First, research stores that have a very lenient return policy. Be sure to note if tags or receipts are required for a return. If tags must be attached, and cannot just be pinned on, be sure to choose clothing where the tag can be tucked in and hidden.


Be sure to note if the store has a 30/90 day return policy. This can be tricky as it is easy to forget how long it has been, and then your stuck will the clothes and the bill. Be warned some stores have a no return policy, or will only give store credit. I avoid shopping at these stores.


Now the wear and return does not work with all items. Never buy shoes planning on wearing and returning them. In ANY store sales clerks will always check the bottoms of shoes and if worn will not return them. Also never wear and return underwear because that’s just gross. We're poor not savages.