Yes, toilet paper. You can always be a cheap bastard, even when it comes to the necessities. I had a friend who did not buy toilet paper once during his entire four years at college. Rather than buy toilet paper he stole it from the public restrooms around campus. Don’t pass judgment on me new poor, do you really want to be in the position where you have to choose to wipe your ass or pay your mortgage? At least now with my old poor wisdom you don’t have to.
Toilet paper is obviously easy to come across and you can find it in places such as the mall, public library, or your local bar while flirting for free drinks (multi-tasking is impressive new poor, but just ease into your pathetic new lifestyle one step at a time). Remember, if you’re going to take toilet paper make sure to have a big enough purse, backpack etc. to fit the roll into and slip away unnoticed. If you can fit an industry size roll into your bag, you’re set for at least the next six months.
Now here we do not pass judgment, but I’m not going to lie your friends will. So next time your entertaining and your guests question why an enormous roll of toilet paper is sitting on the back of your toilet, explain that it’s new environmentally friendly toilet paper. If they continue to question you, cut them off quickly and question them on their actions to protect the environment. This should end the discussion quickly as your guest will feel the need to brag about how they drive a Prius, or some other rich do-gooder crap. Accusing someone of not caring about the environment has become the new race card. It instantly makes everyone around you uncomfortable, and the accused always feels the need to defend themselves. Either way it gets the attention off of you and your giant roll of (free) toilet paper.
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