Shopping at Goodwill

Goodwill is awesome. It basically has anything you could ever need, and super cheap. Furniture, clothes, books, toys, kitchen supplies...anything and everything! Sometimes I'll just stop by my local Goodwill just to see what crazy crap is being sold that day.

Goodwill even has online shopping...yes online shopping. You don't even have to leave your house and suffer the embarrassment of running into your neighbor who of course is donating and not shopping.

Now cheap bastards like us never donate, but instead find some way to peddle and sell our secondhand shit. However, if you absolutely cannot find a way to sell that Ed Hardy trucker hat (shocker) or food encrusted George Foreman grill you can donate it to Goodwill.

Before you freak out and accuse me of committing the ultimate sin, you will get something out of doing this good deed (I mean otherwise whats the point, right?). Request a receipt when you make a donation and it can be written off your taxes. While its not much, it is better then looking like a douche when you try and work that Ed Hardy trucker hat back into your wardrobe.

Find your local Goodwill location http://www.goodwill.org/

Stealing Toilet Paper from Public Restrooms

Yes, toilet paper. You can always be a cheap bastard, even when it comes to the necessities. I had a friend who did not buy toilet paper once during his entire four years at college. Rather than buy toilet paper he stole it from the public restrooms around campus. Don’t pass judgment on me new poor, do you really want to be in the position where you have to choose to wipe your ass or pay your mortgage? At least now with my old poor wisdom you don’t have to.

Toilet paper is obviously easy to come across and you can find it in places such as the mall, public library, or your local bar while flirting for free drinks (multi-tasking is impressive new poor, but just ease into your pathetic new lifestyle one step at a time). Remember, if you’re going to take toilet paper make sure to have a big enough purse, backpack etc. to fit the roll into and slip away unnoticed. If you can fit an industry size roll into your bag, you’re set for at least the next six months.

Now here we do not pass judgment, but I’m not going to lie your friends will. So next time your entertaining and your guests question why an enormous roll of toilet paper is sitting on the back of your toilet, explain that it’s new environmentally friendly toilet paper. If they continue to question you, cut them off quickly and question them on their actions to protect the environment.  This should end the discussion quickly as your guest will feel the need to brag about how they drive a Prius, or some other rich do-gooder crap. Accusing someone of not caring about the environment has become the new race card. It instantly makes everyone around you uncomfortable, and the accused always feels the need to defend themselves. Either way it gets the attention off of you and your giant roll of (free) toilet paper.

Louis CK on Being Broke

Shopping at Walmart

I don't want to sound like a snob, but everyone knows the freakshows and crazies that shop at Walmart. There is an entire website dedicated to it (http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/)! Anyone who isn't used to scrimping and saving probably has never been to a Walmart, or if they did go once have never returned again.

Well new poor I hate to say it, but your going to have suck it up and start shopping at Walmart. While it may be a breeding ground for rednecks, trash, and illegal Hispanics it does have great prices and savings.

So don't be depressed that you now have something in common with these people, embrace your new poor status and give that senior citizen greeter a big hello. Just don't let yourself go and wind up on the Internet.

Flirting for Free Drinks

Poor people need a social life to, even if they can’t afford it. Warning: this old poor practice will cost you at least one drink and there is not a 100% guarantee that it will always work. Whether it works or not is up to you, and women tend to get the best response using this technique. New poor this is where you will leave your dignity at the door.

Go to a bar or club and proceed to buy a cheap drink. When your drink is about halfway gone, look around and find the most unattractive person in the bar. Briefly acknowledge to yourself the depressing hell your life has become, and go strike up a conversation with targeted fug. This is where your flirting and bullshit skills come into play. New poor, if you lack these talents let me remind you that practice makes perfect.

Act as though the targeted fug is the most interesting person in the world, and OMG you guys have so much in common! I love your Sanskrit tattoos, tell me more about Buddhism in the 15^th century! It’s quite impressive you can recite hundreds of quotes from Star Trek. No of course you’re not overweight just curvaceous like Marilyn Monroe. Yes, I’m gay.

 Now if you are not good at lying through your teeth, engaging them in conversation and smiling and nodding will usually get you through it. The target is often so amazed that someone is even talking to them, that they tend to babble on about these god awful subjects without any response from you. As this is occurring you quickly down your drink, which you don’t really have to think about as it is a natural response.

If the targeted fug has any manners, and in today’s society that is about a 50/50 chance, they will see your empty drink and offer to buy you another. You should continue to be tortured by this person’s company for at least five minutes after the drink has been acquired. If you think you can put up with their company stick around and have them buy you drinks all night. Otherwise, move on and repeat.

Flirting with the bartender when they come around to your side of the bar is always a good backup plan. You can often times score a few free shots out them. This usually only works with male bartenders, as almost all guys are suckers.

You may ask yourself, am I really that desperate for a drink that I would flirt with losers all night? Given that the harsh realities of your financial situation and social status have finally hit you at this moment, yes…yes you are that desperate for a drink. Cheers!

Collecting Free Stuff on Craigslist

New poor you probably have a lot of time on your hands; I’m guessing being unemployed is the reason you joined the ranks of our sad broke society. So what better way to spend it then scouring Craigslist for free items? Anything and everything is posted on this free site, and items can range from furniture to fire wood. For us old poor it is natural instinct to want to take anything that is free, and new poor you will develop this instinct as well, but you must fight it.

Just collect the free items that can be re-posted and sold on Craigslist. Furniture is your best bet. Yes this can be time consuming, but what else do you have to do? Once you make your first sale and earn money for basically doing nothing, you will find yourself racing out the door to be the first person to respond to that curb alert.

Aspire to become those rich bastards who just toss their stuff aside because they have too much money and too little time to deal with it. But in the meantime…happy hunting.

Stealing Your Neighbors Internet

Canceling your cable and Internet is one way to help save money, but running to Starbucks and Panera Bread every time you want to check your email is a pain. Plus, in order to use said Internet you have to buy something which completely defeats the entire purpose of trying to save money. So...steal your neighbors Internet.

Hulu.com

Another way to save money is by canceling the cable and watching all your shows on Hulu.com. This is a great website that allows you to watch all the shows that are shown on television and some movies for free! Comedy, drama, news, etc. it has it all. The only downside is that after a show airs on television it takes a week or so for it to be posted on Hulu. Save over $100 a month or be a week behind on your soaps. You decide, but either way check it out.


http://www.hulu.com/

The Wear and Return

 Ah, the wear and return. A wonderful, and my personal favorite, old poor tradition. For example, don't you hate it when someone invites you to a wedding or social event where evening wear is required? Most people, at least us old poor, don't go to formal events on a regular basis so the only evening wear in the closet is most likely pretty outdated. Junior prom dress from high school comes to mind. Rather than face the humiliation of looking outdated (I don't think puffy sleeves and matching satin shoes have come back just yet) most people will need to go and buy a new outfit.


This is an annoyance for us old and new poor because once we buy the new outfit (which we can't afford to begin with) we will probably only get to wear it once. It will then be retired to the back of the closet with the puffy sleeve sea foam green dress never to be seen again, at least until you get another invite requiring formal attire. At which point that "new" outfit probably has gone out of style as well...and the vicious cycle continues.


The holidays, is another example of when the wear and return often comes into play. During the holidays there are tons of parties with lots of food and lots of booze. Most people tend to gain a few pounds because of this, especially the old poor. Why do the old poor almost always gain weight? Christmas is a time for giving, and unfortunately most people give their money away to retail stores. Presents for the kids, your aunt, parents, those annoying in-laws all quickly deplete the bank account. Ergo there isn't much money for anything else. So when invited to Christmas parties the old poor stock up on all the food they can eat, like a bear storing for winter.


Where does the wear and return come into play, you may ask. Well, while you have been eating like a bear all that food got stored in your ass, hips, and thighs. Suddenly your clothes do not fit. Once you've accepted that reality and can't take the waist of your pants cutting into your gut any longer, go out and buy some better fitting clothes. Come January 1st, make that ridiculous resolution that you’re going to lose the weight and start going to the gym. Once you do lose those pesky five or ten extra pounds, return those fat pants back to the store (of course this example only works if you actually lose the weight. How you lose it is your problem. I'm just a cheap bastard, not a personal trainer).


Now let's review the basic concept of the wear and return. It can be summed up in three phases:

Phase 1: Purchase clothing/accessories or other wearable items. Do not worry about the price, as it is never a concern with the wear and return.


Phase 2: Wear newly purchased clothing


Phase 3: Return purchased clothing back to store


There you have the wear and return. Now, when attempting a wear and return there are several factors that must be considered. First, research stores that have a very lenient return policy. Be sure to note if tags or receipts are required for a return. If tags must be attached, and cannot just be pinned on, be sure to choose clothing where the tag can be tucked in and hidden.


Be sure to note if the store has a 30/90 day return policy. This can be tricky as it is easy to forget how long it has been, and then your stuck will the clothes and the bill. Be warned some stores have a no return policy, or will only give store credit. I avoid shopping at these stores.


Now the wear and return does not work with all items. Never buy shoes planning on wearing and returning them. In ANY store sales clerks will always check the bottoms of shoes and if worn will not return them. Also never wear and return underwear because that’s just gross. We're poor not savages.

What is new poor?

Welcome new poor! Do not be discouraged about your recent financial status. This blog will help you maintain that expensive lifestyle, but without the expense. In acquiring your new social status of new poor you will have to give up a few things, such as your dignity. Every now and again you will have to swallow your pride and do something you never thought you would ever do, or have looked down upon others for doing.  

However, you should not feel embarrassed or ashamed. There is no judgment here. Look as this time in your life as a lesson in humility. Monica Baldwin, the British writer and nun, once said “what makes humility so desirable is the marvelous thing it does to us; it creates in us a capacity for the closest possible intimacy with God.” I say suck it up, because your now a broke ass bitch.

For those of you who are not familiar with the concept of new and old poor I shall explain. Due to the economic recession a substantial percentage of society has now become poor, hence the phrase “new poor.” This poverty-stricken lifestyle is new to these people; therefore, they have not yet acquired the knowledge and skills to live in such a depressing and harsh atmosphere.  

This brings me to the clever and dexterous “old poor.” Old poor have always been broke, and have adapted well to this environment after years of poverty. Their shame, dignity, and pride have been stripped away long ago. They know how to survive under the harshest conditions. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia focuses on this social crisis in Season Five Episode Three: The Great Recession. If you have never seen this show, I suggest catching it on FX (FYI: Since you can no longer afford to go out, television will become your new form of entertainment).

New poor do not despair as this blog will give you tips and help you adapt to the world of becoming a cheap bastard. Congratulations, you’re on your way.